Bestest Recipes

🍮 Cheesecake (Low Carb)

Being a terrifically famous food blogger, the question I am most often asked is "what are you doing in my compost heap?"

The next most common questions are "who dis- new phone?", "why do you look more like your Uncle Gary than your dad", "how do you plead?", and the somewhat clichéd "is that a mackerel in your beard?"

The most common question people don't ask me is for my secret recipe for cheesecake. They should though. Although - because it's a secret - they probably don't know to ask, and even if they did I probably shouldn't tell them. Because "recipe for cheesecake" doesn't sound as cool as "secret recipe for cheesecake." And definitely doesn't sound as cool as "Alien Robot Warriors of the 23rd Century." Maybe that's why they aren't asking.

Also, any Hollywood producers interested in my screenplay for Alien Robot Warriors of the 23rd Century can email me. You're welcome.

Cheap Mosquito Nets at my Store, this week only

This is an old, secret family recipe. It came to me via my cousin's neighbour's dog's vet's godfather's gardener, and it's been a closely guarded tight family secret since 823CE. (CE is a fancy way of saying AD. I think it's to get past Adblockers or something.) It's undergone very few changes in that time, except that cream cheese wasn't been invented until the 1870s. Hence, the original recipe was simply called "cake" and in hindsight it's surprising it ever caught on.

The perfect cheesecake

Anyway, my cousin's neighbour's dog's vet's godfather's gardener (or "Mum", as I called her) phoned me up one day and told me it's time I "knew the truth" and that I should come over straight away, and that she was putting the kettle on, and that I shouldn't put so many "ands" in my sentences.

I knew this would be a big moment, so I called the airline and booked my tickets, then phoned my boss and said I wouldn't be coming back from lunch for two to three weeks. She was fine with that; I work for a government department and she's used to me taking long lunchbreaks.

After 26 hours of flying (plus a 12 hour layover in Nantucket) I arrived at the jetty, ready for the last leg of my epic journey.

I waited for the ferry to arrive.

Don't skimp on the cream cheese

Finally the ferry arrived for the 26 mile crossing to the sub-arctic island that Mum called home. Home island is a remote island in the Nay-Ba-hood Archipelago of Norway. The ferry service is a local treasure and magnet for tourists. It's been in continuous service since the Pre-Cambrian era, and is still staffed by the same family of professional mimes.

The ferryman (officially "ferrymime") mimed that I should hop into the canoe. I tried hopping but overbalanced, so ended up just stepping into it in the usual manner. While I did so, the ferrymime appeared to be hit by a gust of wind that I couldn't detect, and walked on the spot leaning into this strange wind. I was speechless - as was he.

Before I could react to this strange turn of events, the wind evidently subsided but appeared to have left him trapped inside an invisible box. I couldn't actually see the invisible box (I've since learned this isn't unusual for invisible boxes), but it was clearly very perplexing to him. After a few minutes of this I voice-mimed him to hurry up and get out of the box and paddle me to the island. He mimed "please be patient" - which is remarkably similar to the sign language phrase that translates as "why did you toot your horn at me?"

Don't forget to butter the tin

Anyway, after miming the cost for the trip, the ferrymime paddled me across to mum's island. I tried to strike up conversation with him on the journey, but he was rather taciturn. However I did learn that his name was "Walking into the Wind." Which is quite incredible, as that's the name of one of the kids in my year at high school. (Although thinking back, her name might have been Molly - but it's still quite the coincidence.) We eventually arrived on the rocky shore, and I paid the ferrymime his thrupence, and made my way up the gravelly path to see my mum.

A mere 48 hours after Mum had called I was there. I still remember the first thing she said to me when she opened the door. "What took you so long?" We're a close knit affectionate family like that. And she was still wearing the kettle.

Don't you forget about me

After I'd had a warm mug of something vaguely resembling coffee - which was frustrating as I'd asked for beer - Mum was ready to share the secret family recipe.

I can still picture the yellow wallpaper in her kitchen, the smile on her face, the noise of the TV in the background and the unmistakable smell of colitas rising up through the window.

Getting the basics right

I vividly recall sitting at that table and looking out the window to take in the panoramic view of the Nordic sea. The rhythmic rise and fall of the waters on the beach, the dancing sparkle of the sun off the waves, the polar bear gently crunching the skull of a hapless fisherman at the shore; this idyllic Nordic scene reminds me of the need for simplicity in our lives.

It also reminded me that followers can get a 20% discount at NordVPN if they use my discount code "PolarCrunch" when signing up this week. We need VPN now more than ever, for reasons. It's not just for accessing cool TV shows only available overseas, or trying to hide your dodgy browsing habits from the FBI. There's also things like cookies (and I don't mean my fantastic upcoming recipe), cyberterrorists, cyberthieves, cybermen, cybersneezes, cyberviruses, and the constant threat of aphids in your crops. Not to mention cyberaphids. NordVPN stops all of these - and offers me the best affiliate rewards - so use the discount code today.

Amazing recipe

Anyway, about the cheesecake. Mum told me the recipe that day. Turns out she found it online.

This recipe always reminds me of the first time I had thrush; creamy, slightly cheesy and not great for my health. Honestly, I can't believe how this recipe turned out. I'd rate it up there with bungy jumping, paragliding or root canal surgery in the all time "must-try" experience list. And your guests won't believe there's no moonrocks in this particular recipe - helping them stick to their diet goals.

Ingredients

Unlike other cheesecake recipes, you need ingredients for this one.

The crust replaces the usual cookie crumbs with lower carb options - almond meal, coconut and LSA. LSA is ground linseed, sunflower and almonds, and should not - under any circumstances - be confused for LSD. Learn from my mistakes.

The almond meal should be relatively fine - it doesn't need to be the consistency of almond flour, but nor should it be the consitency of almonds. Somewhere between such extremes works.

You can bake the crust first if you want it a bit more crunchy. Or you can choose not to, if you don't want to bake it. That's the amazing thing about choice.

Crust

Filling

Method

  1. Add all the crust ingredients in a bowl and mix until a sand-like consistency. (Do not simply swap for sand, although this is a simpler recipe, it does make for less simplicity down the track.)
  2. Put the mixture in a 23 cm springform pan. Press the crust into the bottom of the pan (and on the sides if you want). (Optional: bake for 10 minutes for a firmer base - allow to cool before proceeding.) Put it in the fridge.
  3. Add all the filling ingredients into a mixing bowl. Using a electric beater, beat the filling mix until fluffy (about 5 minutes).
  4. Add the filling to the spring form pan and ensure a flat/even top.
  5. Cover with clingfilm and refrigerate overnight (or at least 4 hours.)
  6. Serve as is, or try taking the clingfilm off first if you prefer less plastic in your meal.

Notes

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