Bestest Recipes

🍞 Low Carb Bread

My grandmother used to have a jar of dead flies on her kitchen bench. If we were particularly good when we visited we sometimes got to pick one that we could hold for the day. Great times.

One day I picked out a particularly gnarly bluebottle. I can remember sitting on the chair in the dining room looking at it. The bluebottle I mean, not the chair. Although the chair was also nice. I like chairs. They remind me of my grandmother's place, as whenever we'd go around there she'd have some chairs around the table, ready for us so we could sit. Grandmother was just that sort of a person.

How to get that bready texture

Anyway, I sat on the chair that day looking at my treasured dead insect, and in the wonder that only a six year old can conjure I thought "why?" But before I could think that too much more, I dropped it and it fell on the linoleum. Grandmother had linoleum on her floor; I think it was to keep our feet off the floorboards.

Memories like that are amazing. And everytime I cook this particular recipe, I think of that happier time. Holding a dead bluebottle in my hand while my grandmother tunelessly sang The Number of the Beast to us.

But what about the gluten?

When grandmother found I'd dropped the bluebottle she got ever so cross and called me a silly twit. I cried that day, the biggest cry I could ever have. Well not really, I had a bit of a sniffle. Sort of. I bawled my eyes out that day, and learned a lesson I'd never forget. I don't recall what the lesson was, exactly, but I do remember thinking I wouldn't forget it.

It was the happiest day of my life, and I can still picture the yellow wallpaper in her kitchen, the smile on her face, the noise of the TV in the background and the smell of overcooked cabbage coming in through the window.

Grandmother never made this recipe, so I'm sharing it with you as a family heirloom.

Making it

Makes one large loaf, or two small ones. Can also make 4 really small ones, or 5 that are a bit smaller than that. Also could make 16 rolls. Or 15 or 17 if you're catering for those kinds of numbers.

It's really important to get the right ingredients. I have my own store at Scamburgers where you can buy ingredients that give me the best profit margin.

I will point out that gluten flour is a bit different from gluten-free flour. In the same way that lager-free alcohol is a tad different from alcohol-free lager.

I tried making my own lupin flour out of some lupins I picked. The result was meh.

A bit about hemp flour

Don't get confused about hemp flour - which is a high-fibre flour made from hemp. But shouldn't be confused with hemp fibre ropes or string. If you do, you'll find this is a bit chewier than you are used to. So learn from my mistake.

Water

Good quality water is important. I use my tap, and you can get a tap like mine from my online hardware store at ScamHardware.

Selecting the right yeast

What about yeast? I certainly don't recommend harvesting your own - although I've had some great flavours when I've tried this, the health department have advised I stop doing so. So buy some quality yeast from my online store, where I carefully and conveniently curate only the best for your convenience, over at Yeast You Want.

Also ovens. They are important. Well one at least. You need an oven. To cook it in. Otherwise you might be disappointed. I have an online store full of ovens you can have delivered to your door in minutes. Check it out at ScamWhiteware.

Making it

Mix the ingredients in the right quantities and the right way.

My grandmother never made this, so I won't tell you her secret.

Actual Recipe part

Okay, you've scrolled past enough of my waffle. You get to the recipe bit, I suppose.

Ingredients

Method

  1. Add yeast, sugar/substitute, milk powder to the warm water and bloom for 5 minutes
  2. Add flours, oil and salt to a mixer bowel, then add water/yeast mix and mix
  3. Mix and knead well
  4. Allow to rise (can do a second rising if you have time, this improves the blend). Allow about 2 hours (until it doubles in size)
  5. Bake at 170°C for 40 minutes - will brown quite quickly, but doesn't tend to burn.
  6. Using a pastry brush, brush the hot loaf with milk for a slight glazing/softening.

Notes

Slice and keep in fridge. I mean, slice it first and then put it in the fridge. Turns out you don't actually have to slice it in the fridge. Keeps for about a week, unless you use it to throw at children - in which case it keeps until you throw it at them.

You can swap out up to half the lupin flour with hempseed flour or other mixes to the base.

High protein, high fibre, low-carb bread.

Source The Hungry Elephant

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