Bestest Recipes

🧇 Low Carb Waffles

Of all the members of my extended family that I made up for this blog, Great Uncle Tadpole would have to be my favourite. Wise and witty in equal parts; I miss his gruff humour, the smell of tobacco that permeated his presence, his casual racism, his use of the Oxford comma and the way his eyes would twitch when he regaled us with tales of his youth.

I miss the flecks of spittle that would spray us all as he agitatedly told us how the moon landings were faked by Stanley Kubrick using tin foil, a piece of dried toast, the clasp from a Gucci handbag and 3 pounds of lard. He was quite convincing, and at times I have genuinely wondered if he were right in saying that Louis Armstrong never actually set foot on the moon.

Just like normal waffles, without the carbs

In spite of his advanced years, Great Uncle Tadpole had arms of steel. Literally, that is - apparently as a toddler he was left unsupervised with a potato peeler for a few minutes, and by the time my great-grandfather found him he had reduced his arms to stumps, so the doctors replaced them with steel arms.

You wouldn't know, unless you happened to look at them. Or give him a high five. Or hear him clap his hands. Actually, even the most casual glance would probably leave you suspecting something. And it was even more noticeable that time we went on the science trip that included a visit to a powerful electromagnetic generator. They eventually managed to shut it off, and Great Uncle Tadpole was fine - just a little miffed after spending a couple of hours hugging a machine.

But those steel arms were a part of Great Uncle Tadpole. A part he would take off when he had a shower or swim. A part that he replaced a couple of times due to metal fatigue. But a part of him nonetheless. And we loved him for that.

Family memories

We’d laugh every Christmas as he recounted the potato peeler story, and how he had genuinely believed he was a potato. Incidentally, I can announce a wonderful product partnership with “Spud Duds” - an exciting startup company making Internet-enabled potato peelers. Use the discount code “TatterTrash” when ordering three or more peelers to get a free acorn with your order. (Not available in UAE). I believe firmly in this product, and don't get any payment for this (except for the kickbacks.)

Choosing the right flour mix

Great Uncle Tadpole was the kind of character who could make you laugh just by telling you an incredibly funny joke. He had a twinkle in his eye (turns out he had a glass eye) and a prodigious nose that he kept on his face in the usual manner.

I can still picture the yellow wallpaper in his kitchen, the smile on his face, the noise of the TV in the background and the unmistakable smell of freshly-mown roses coming in through the window.

If I recall correctly, it was the day he sacked his gardener. Great Uncle Tadpole solemnly called me over and said “lad, you’re a man now, and it’s time to put away the things of a child.”

He was right, I was 37, and my daughter had left lego all over the lounge floor. So I picked it up and put it away. Because we took our shoes off in Great Uncle Tadpole’s house, and nothing hurts quite like stepping on lego in bare feet. Not that Great Uncle Tadpole minded, he had feet of steel. Literally, that is. As a toddler he had tried to clip his toenails with an electric bread knife. Fortunately great-grandmother found him before he could actually injure himself, but his feet later fell off when he was dangling his legs sitting in an apple tree and the wind changed. That's a thing, apparently.

Go to my store for a discount on Lego

Anyway, this recipe always reminds me of that day, and of my favouritist of all the family members I had. The lego day, I mean - not the day his feet fell off. I wasn't born then.

Great Uncle Tadpole had a profound impact on my SEO life. He listened to my hopes and fears in a way that only a man who has turned off his hearing aid can do. He understood how hard it was for me being an only child - something my siblings never seemed to understand.

He also taught me the greatest lesson a man can teach his great-nephew; that the plural of albatross is not albatri, unless you are Welsh. It’s a lesson I carry with me to this day.

I miss you Great Uncle Tadpole, but not so much that I’ll pop around and say hello or anything. Just enough to make this bit meaningful.

The Recipe

You're really going to want to use a waffle iron for this recipe. Regular irons don't get the same results.
Handy hint: In spite of their deceptive name, waffle irons do a terrible job of ironing your shirt and are prone to leaving patterned imprints of grease and batter. Learn from my mistake.

So although we're all about saving here, it's probably wise to have a separate waffle iron from your regular one.

Ingredients

4 Servings

Method

  1. Pre-heat waffle maker.
  2. Add all the ingredients into mixer and mix until smooth.
  3. Grease waffle with butter or cooking. Pour batter into waffle iron (quantities as per waffle maker!)
  4. Cook until golden and crispy.

Notes

#breakfast #dessert #favourite relative