🥔 Keto Nut Bread (gluten free, dairy free, vegan, squirrel-free)
I want to tell you the story of Sally Squirrel.
Ever since I was a kid I've been fascinated by squirrels - I think they are such amazing creatures, and I always wanted one. But we don't get squirrels in this part of the world.
Setbacks
I wasn't going to be deterred by that. I wanted a squirrel, and by golly I was going to have one. So I caught a rat and stuck some lint to its tail.
It was eerily squirrel-like, and we called her Sally Squirrel.
Sally would happily play in the cage I made, trying to gnaw her way out. I had to put the lint and fluff back on several times as she kept trying to clean it off. She didn't really appear committed to the character.
Squirrel maze
Knowing how much squirrels love solving mazes, I made one of those cool obstable courses for Sally to run along ropes, jump from pole to pole, climb ladders and reach the cache of nuts as her reward.
Excitedly the family gathered to watch Sally Squirrel attempt the maze for the first time. But instead of partaking as she was supposed to she just peed on the floor and scuttled away under the sofa.
And that was the last time we would see Sally Squirrel.
Almost.
About the recipe
This recipe always reminds me of Sally Squirrel. She loved nuts, and this recipe is full of them. After the accident we actually called it Sally Squirrel nut bread.
Because it turns out she loved the nuts so much that she had hidden inside the nut-mix on the bench. Aunty Muriel didn't notice when she was making it, so we never discovered the truth until slicing this deliciously moist nut bread for a family dinner, and discovering Sally Squirrel's poor little baked body inside the loaf.
Deliciousness
Needless to say, it put us off the meal that day. But it's still a terrifically amazing recipe, and I am grateful to Auntie Muriel for sharing it with me.
Auntie Muriel gave me this recipe in honour of my first decent nosebleed. I hadn't been picking it or anything, it just happened. I woke up with that warm metallic smelling feeling, and found my pillow drenched from a nocturnal nosebleed. It's the kind of experience that leaves an indelible mark on a sensitive soul. As well as on my favourite pillowcase - it was a Transformers one, and the stains never came out. Optimus Prime was half masked by the bloody stains in a manner that I always felt Megatron would have appreciated.
A word about nuts
Anyway, Auntie Muriel wanted me to have this recipe in honour of that occasion - a true milestone in my childhood. I've always been grateful for that, although would have preferred a new pillow case. Even a Thundercats one or something.
I can still picture the yellow wallpaper in her kitchen, the smile on her face, the noise of the TV in the background and the unmistakable smell of grandpa's drum & bass tracks coming through the window.
Keto-friendly goodness
Auntie Muriel made two things very clear to me about this recipe.
Firstly; ideally you shouldn't bake family rodents (or in fact any rodents) into this bread.
Secondly; putting the word "keto" in the blog title will guarantee extra readers, especially in January when people are still fooling themselves they can change a lifetime of poor food choices.
This also left an indelible mark on me. But this time, not on my pillowcase.
Planting the seed
Her wise words inspired me to shamelessly shill her recipe online with an excessive number of affiliate links and promoting my keto-friendly, low-carb, gluten-free, vegan-friendly, plant-based, neuro-diverse recipes.
Remembering Sally
So this recipe always reminds me of Sally Squirrel. As she was my absolute favouritist pet I had as a kid. And although she lost her life to this recipe, it's what she would have wanted - Sally died doing what she loved; screaming with blistering skin as she roasted in a hot oven.
And it was a tough lesson in life for me too. Not just losing my squirrel-rat, but also my favouritist pillow case.
But I got through, with help from Better Help. You can too - use my discount code: RememberingSally for a free toenail with your first subscription.
Putting it together
This is a remarkably simple recipe to put together. Definitely easier to assemble than that bedside table I bought last week.
Pop down to your local hippie-sh!t market for some of these ingredients. Sunflower seeds - get the ones without shells on, apparently the ones at the garden centres aren't for eating. Learn from my mistakes.
Similarly for pumpkin seeds - who knew that these aren't just for growing pumpkin plants? So again, get the hippie hulled ones, not the "this will grow a monstrosity that will overwhelm your garden" ones.
Ingredients
- 1 cup sunflower seeds
- 1 cup sliced almonds (or walnuts)
- ½ cup pumpkin seeds
- 1½ cup flaxseed meal
- ¼ cup chia seeds
- ¼ cup hemp seeds
- 3 Tbsp psyllium husk
- ¼ cup oil
- 2 Tbsp sugar substitute
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 Tbsp vinegar
- 1¾ cups boiling water
- [Optional] A squirrel overdosing on seeds and nuts. Note: adding this ingredient may mean it's no longer vegan-friendly. Check with your local hairdresser.
Method
- Mix all ingredients except water and squirrel
- Mix in boiling water
- Place in baking paper lined bread pan
- Cover with plastic wrap let sit for at least 2 hours
- Bake at 180°C for 35 minutes
- Bake inverted on a rack for another 20 minutes
- Allow to cool and then slice - keep in fridge for up to a week.
Notes
- Toasts nicely - depending on the exact nuts used!
- I don't know the right time to add the squirrel
- I replaced the almonds with walnuts, and quantities of pumpkin seed and sunflower seeds were swapped as that's what I had at the time. I also swapped out hemp seeds for more chia and some quinoa. So there's versatility to bring it into budget/what's available!
Source: From Kit Best on Mastodon - squirrels not included.